We Are All Connected

Courtesy of www.theurlyouwishyouhad.com

When does community consequence trump individual freedoms? Last month I read that Octomom (remember her) was being charged with welfare fraud and I about past out. This is one of the first things I thought about when I read that a single mother, with limited income, decided to have eight babies-- at one time! While Octomom is certainly the catalyst for this story, it really is more about what I consider to be one of (if not the) greatest cultural challenge -- the feeling of entitlement! In essence, believing that we should actually have whatever we want, whenever we want it.

For those of us who grew up anytime after 1980, we were all taught (and I think strongly believe) that we SHOULD get what we want; after all that is OUR FUNDAMENTAL RIGHT as Americans! It sometimes feels like we have taken the idea of "individual freedom" and transformed it into "the right to be completely selfish" - which from my perspective is not exactly in the spirit of "individual freedom." Yes, I believe we should all have the opportunity to make our lives the best they can be, but where is the line between what makes me happy and what makes lives of the people around me miserable?

Octomom decided she wanted to have a brood of children, but her decision didn't just impact her or those 14 little children. Her decision now impacts me and the other hardworking, taxpaying citizens of California. Please understand I am a person that believes the state should be there to help those that have fallen on hard times and I have no problem with tax dollars going to support them because I strongly believe we are all connected. My issue is that Octomom made a conscious choice. She paid actual dollars, and a lot of them, to have children she couldn't afford. Her bad decisions, her belief that she had a right to express her "individual freedom" is now having a negative impact on her community.

I work from home. It is much more convenient for me to do my laundry or run my dishwasher during the day. Or in the summer, when the Valley is 100 degrees, I definitely want to drop my thermostat to 65 degrees. But I take a moment and think about the impact those decisions have. If everyone decided to drop their thermostats to 65 and run their A/C all day long, that is going to have a significant strain on the power grid. It would be easy for me to say, "not my problem" or "well I'm really hot" and do what I want. But the reality is the impact is far reaching, like rolling black outs! No matter how individual my choices they may have a consequence on my community as a whole and that matters because we are all connected.

Individual freedom is extremely important. We can see that now more than ever when we read about places like Venezuela, Ukraine, Sudan and Syria; the people in these countries are really fighting and dying for the "individual freedoms," we in America can sometimes take for granted. Our freedom to speak out against government, our freedom to own businesses and property, our freedom to pursue (or not) the religion of our choosing. These are the intrinsic "individual freedoms" we need to ardently protect. But I do think there has been a shift in how we in American define "individual freedom" and it is disconnecting us from our communities. At some point we have to embrace the idea that we are not only individuals, we are individuals who exist in a community - an extremely diverse community. We have to all begin to think about the decisions we make each day and at least, for a single moment, consider how it might effect someone else.

Why a Smile Will Change Your Day

This post is about the physical and social impacts of a single smile.

The Smile Defined

I decided to just type “smiling” into Google and the first definition I saw was from? Yep you guessed it, Wikipedia. Wikipedia defines smiling as a facial expression formed by flexing the muscles near both ends of the mouth and by flexing muscles throughout the mouth. So I tried it, but instead of turning my facial muscles around my mouth up, I formed them down. That created something very different. So my search continued. The definition from www.thefreedictionary.com would be closer to how I define smile, “A facial expression characterized by an upward curving of the corners of the mouth and indicating pleasure, amusement, or derision.” I like this definition because it shows that not all smiles are created equal. We can smile for pleasure and amusement, but we can also use smiles to mock or scorn. Today we are going to focus on using our smiles for good.

Physical Impacts of a Smile

Smiling is one of the most universal human expressions. No matter your culture, age, or sex, smiling is a consistent facial expression -- most often demonstrated among children. Smiling makes you feel better. After years of evolution, our complicated bodies have adapted very easy ways to make itself feel better. Research has shown the simple motion of turning the corners up on our mouths, triggers a release of endorphins and serotonin, which makes us feel good. Studies have also shown that smiling can reduce stress, improve your blood pressure and boost your immune system. Smiling makes you appear younger and can reduce aggression. People who smile more often, tend to live longer. Next time you are feeling a little blue, take a second and smile, see how you feel. Believe it or not, that small motion can help change your mood.

Social Impacts of a Smile

As humans we all want to feel connected. We are most happy when we are part of a group; that can be family, community, sports team affiliations, religious groups, etc. We are happiest when we are a part of something and smiles can help make that happen. Smiles help connect us. Smiles invite people in. Smiles create comfort and put anxieties at ease. A single smile can change the mood in a group, and change an entire experience.  A smile can take you from sitting in the corner alone, to a trusted friend and confidant. One study suggests that people trust others who offer a genuine smile. Sharing your smile will create more opportunities for you to connect and for others to connect with you.

But What if They Don’t Smile Back

I can’t tell you how many times this response comes up in training. You have to understand that I am the person who will basically interrupt someone’s intense phone reading (you know reading email, texts, whatever) to say “good morning/good afternoon.” My standard response to that question is “so!” I really don't care if people don't smile back. Why would I ever let someone response dictate my positive actions? Unfortunately our culture has moved away from manners and common courtesies. But, I believe we can go back, I mean who would have thought 80's fashion would be back! I believe that it only takes a few of us to start the kindness cultural revolution. A few years back, I decided I was going to actively pursue a connection with everyone who crossed my path. In some cases it would be a verbal, personal connection, but for most it would be two small acts, making eye contact and smiling. Mostly people smile back. Other times, I think people are caught off guard and don't know what to do. So I say, have courage, be brave… smile first.

Smiling Daily Will Change Your Life

As a self-proclaimed ambassador of kindness and courtesy, I have committed to being kind and smiling, even when I'm not having the best day. Anyone who lives in LA can attest to the frustrations of traffic-- the 405 tests my kindness and courtesy regularly.  On the (rare) days where I am scowling in the car and in a perpetual state of pissed-offedness (my own word), I get a headache, nothing on the radio sounds good and just feel all around terrible. When I can just let it go smile and embrace the moment, I feel completely relaxed and seem to travel and arrive at my destination in a better disposition. 

The positive impact you get from smiling outweighs any potential downside. Smiles are contagious. Smiles are free. Offering up smiles daily will not only benefit your health and mental well-being, but will improve the lives of the people you encounter. I try to smile at everyone because I never know when that small act will be the one thing that takes a person from a negative state to a positive one. In the words of the fabulous Mr. Nat King Cole “Smile though your heart is aching, smile even though it's breaking, when there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by, if you smile through your fear and sorrow, smile and maybe tomorrow, you'll see the sun come shining through for you.” Try it! 

The Story of Matthew

Living in Los Angeles is always an experience; it can be very community and at the same time very disconnected. On the same street that you see a brand new Bentley stopped at a light, you also see a homeless man pushing his cart across the street. When you are as empathetic as I am, developing a protective coating—forcing you to ignore the homeless person on the bench and the guy selling oranges off the freeway—is the only way to make it through day-to-day. More often than not, when you are shielded, you forget that everyone has a unique story. This is the story of Matthew.

Disengaged

The great part of consuming alcohol, it tends to thin out that protective coating I create to survive. One night, in the beautiful city of Santa Monica, a few friends and I got together to enjoy festivities at a local restaurant. It had gotten a little hot inside, so a few of us stepped outside for some fresh air. As I stepped outside I saw a tall, handsome man – somewhat disheveled – walking towards us. The closer he got, the more I noticed it seemed that he may have been in the elements for a few days, but only appeared “kind of” homeless. Now anyone who knows me, knows that this is the moment I turn the other direction to avoid any kind of contact, but not that day. That day, the universe had other plans and I felt compelled to say hello; and so I did. The young man seemed excited to engage in conversation and so we chit chatted about this and that for maybe 15 minutes, until my friends were either annoyed or cold and forced me back inside.

The Next Day

The next day I was primed for a delicious breakfast, bloody marys and some great people watching along Ocean Ave. We arrived at the restaurant and to be honest, it was such a terrible experience all I wanted to do was eat and go home. My friend Hayley had a different idea, she was adamant that we grab one drink from the English pub around the corner and then agreed we would head home. So off to the pub we went. We spent a little time, I shared the story of the “kind of” homeless man I met the night before and as I looked up, who do I see sitting at the end of the bar? The “kind of” homeless man from the night before. After some prodding from Hayley, I headed over and said, “What are the chances?” and he responded “Zero.”

Meet Matthew

I invited Matthew over to sit with us. I see he is wearing the same clothes as the night before, so I ask him if he’s eaten to which he responds “no.” So we buy him some food, a few drinks, thinking that we’ll chat for a few minutes and then leave him to enjoy some food and drinks without the restaurant forcing him out. As we wait for the food Matthew begins sharing stories, who is parents are, about a recent breakup, what he has been doing the past few days and some of his misadventures. It is then that I realized Matthew wasn't a drug-abusing homeless guy. He wasn't the homeless guy that doesn't want to work. He wasn't even the homeless guy down on his luck. Matthew is a highly educated guy. Matthew is a guy that comes from a great family. Matthew is a guy who loves deeply. Matthew is a guy that grew up in affluent area of Los Angeles. Matthew is a guy who is special… and Matthew is a guy who suffers from mental illness.

The Universe Has Its Own Plan

As I begin to see Matthew for all the things he really is and understand that he is a guy that needs some help, I immediately go into healthcare provider mode and start asking questions about his medication, why he isn't on them and discussing how and where he can go to get access to treatment. We sit with Matthew another 30 minutes. I excuse myself to the restroom, he goes outside for a smoke. We both arrive back at the table at the same time. I let him know we are heading out and he asks if we can spend just a few more minutes with him, and of course we agree. Matthew has yet to touch the food or drinks we've bought him - which tells me he is more interested in the conversation and human connection. In the next instance the strangest thing happens, he asks if I would like to meet his mother. You can imagine what is going through my head at this point, “this guy is bat sh*t crazy.” So of course I say yes and we proceed outside where I find this petite, brown-haired, blue-eyed beauty. She is refined, she is gorgeous and she is sad. I look her in the eye and say “are you his mother?” To which she replies with a simple up and down nod of her head, while a tear falls down her face.

Whenever, Be Kind

There was no way I could leave this sweet woman without offering up any small act of kindness I could provide. I told her that both Hayley and I were there to help and we would come up with a plan to get Matthew home. Mom was crying, I was crying, and through the tears we came up with a plan. The last step was to get Matthew to agree to the plan -- and that night, Matthew went home.

Kindness is one of those things that is available in ample supply. We just have to remember to access it. When we spend more time living in our own world, disconnected from all that is happening around us, we lose opportunities to enrich ourselves, positively impact our own lives, and make a difference in our community. We are all connected, which is why we must always stay connected. I read a post from Cory Booker once that said, “When happy, be kind. When angry, be kind. When hopeful, be kind. When discouraged, be kind. Whenever, be kind." Today, just be kind.